Author: kelzrose

Can You Out Freak Me? (Why I Have No Money)

Hey, so last week I posed the question: “are you a bigger freak than I am?” and then described my use of Irish music while running through Golden Gate park.

Now I’m here to throw the challenge out again.

Can you out freak me?

I currently have $100 in my checking account. This $100 has to last me a little over two weeks. How am I going to make that work? Soup. But more on the reason why soup is perhaps the greatest food (apart from pizza) later. Right now, we have to understand why I no longer have a plethora of cold hard cash, dolla dolla billz yo, moolah, dinero, MONEY in my checking account.

The reason is:

I just spent $140 on onesies. Yep, that’s plural. I bought two different onesies because well…I wanted to.

Normally, I am very good about saving money. I always make sure to transfer money into my savings account so that I don’t touch it. Alas, there came the day when temptation would overthrow my sensibility and I turn my hard earned wages over for the comfort of a cotton pajama in the shape of a kitten and unicorn.

So here I am, sitting on my bed, not really even disappointed in myself because I am wrapped in the warm snug of a unicorn onesie and I’m posing the question to you: Are you a bigger freak than I am? Would you spend nearly $200 to get the real deal Kigu onesies?

If your answer is yes, we could probably be friends but shouldn’t be because who knows what we would let each other spend our money on.

If your answer is “NO, you crazy girl. I would spend money on necessities like food and transportation and warm clothing that is socially acceptable to wear outside the house,” then I think we should probably be friends because I need words of wisdom to guide me away from this malpractice of wanting something because it is warm and a cat…BUT I don’t want to be your friend.

So alas, I am here alone (as it should be). #lonelygirl because honestly I don’t need a bad influence and I don’t want to hear good advice so my only friend is my computer and the television and maybe a book or two because sometimes I like to pretend I’m literate.

But really, have you ever made a purchase as rad as these?? I don’t expect answers because it can be hard to be honest with yourself sometimes.

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Are You a Bigger Freak Than I am?

Are you a bigger freak than I am?

Nope. I promise that you’re not.

Here’s how I know:

I’m going to start posting all of the little things about myself that make me a bigger freak than all the rest of you out there who claim to be freaks and not geeks.

Here’s the first of them

So, if you didn’t already know, I’m a runner.

Pretty freaky, huh?

NOT EVEN CLOSE

Okay, so most people listen to some kind of music while they run (some people don’t, but like those are actual runners who have motivation other than a strong desire to eat pizza and hotdogs on the reg. with out becoming obese).

I am one of the non-runner runners who listens to music. BUT not just any kind of music. I listen to Pandora.

You’re probably thinking, Kellen, that does not make you a freak.

You’re correct. Pandora is great. A lot of people listen to Pandora.

BUT do they listen to the St. Patrick’s day radio station EVERY time they run? Probably not.

Do they picture themselves jogging through the Irish country side, searching for their long lost love or even better their long lost brother stolen by the silky (seal maidens) in order to get the family to move back to the small island they were from Roan Inish? OR do they picture that they are a faerie (NOT a fairy) gliding through a nature wonderland?

If you tell me that this is a normal running method for someone you know. Please introduce me because I have found my gay penguin (Leslie Knope’s definition of a soul mate).

If you are instead wondering if you should perhaps no longer be reading this crazy person’s blog (and I’m guessing most of you are in that group) I would like to say…

HAH

I am a bigger freak than you are.

How You Should Be Spending Your Sunday

There are a great many ways to spend your Sunday afternoon.

You could spend it laying in bed, curtains drawn, calling out into the nothingness for advil and Jack-in-the-Box.

You could spend it wide awake, your nerves shot, staring at your computer screen trying not to think about the inbox of your work email.

OR

You could have the perfect wine, nail, and football day.

NOTE: I want to say that boys should not feel that they are exempt from the joys of such a day. Let loose, drain a couple glasses of vino, indulge in your secret desire to learn how girls actually fit those globs of paint onto their nails, all under the guise of watching the football game. Here’s a little secret you may not know: some of us girls are actually participating in Fantasy football and do care about the game at hand so yes, we will actually be watching it.

Okay, so let me tell you why this was the best possible Sunday and why it will most likely become a tradition.

1. Wine. When can you ever go wrong with wine? With wine Sundays, you can experiment with different vineyards, colors, and flavors of wine. Also, as a young adult, there’s no time like the present to learn how to become a wine snob cue Sideways and Bottleshock; the latter is on Netflix aka BOOYA

2. Cheese and salami platters. Serves 8. Devoured by 4.

3. Football. It’s a game. There are balls. (hehe maturity)

4. A chance to fix those nails so that they no longer look like shredded cheese.

5. When else can we channel Ja’mie and not be judged because, well, when you’re hott you’re just surrounded by bitches.

So, it may not be the only way to spend your Sunday, but it sure is the best. Enjoy Wine, Nail, Football Sundays and enjoy your life.

Thank you, BUT YOU SUCK

1. Mark Zuckerberg.

Hi Mark. I’d like to start this thank you off by saying that you may not have been coming from a bad place. Maybe (and I hope this is the case) you started your little social network just to make it a little easier to get a little action. You haven’t ever talked to that guy in class, so you quickly poke him and BADDABING you two are an item. Awesome. Great. I’m all for it.

Here’s the thing, Mark. Facebook has changed now that I’m in my twenties. Now, whenever I head to my page, I am bombarded by pregnancies and marriages. I mean BABIES EVERYWHERE.

So, whenever I turn on my computer, Facebook is there to remind me that I am disgustingly single and have a fear of commitment that a twelve-year old One Direction fan would scoff at.

Ouch.

So THANK YOU, Mark. I really enjoy that.

2. My Body

Dear Body,

I’d really like to thank you for not letting me know that you can no longer process alcohol the way you did only a year back. Yep, I TOTALLY dug finding out by proposing to my toilet after a long night together. You really could have told me that shots were a thing of the past…

ALSO, I really appreciate the fact that, though my face still resembles that of an eighth graders, I now suddenly have to worry about bags and dark circles?? I had to buy under eye concealer! I wasn’t even aware there was concealer just for under your eyes until now.

So THANK you body. I really appreciate this.

I am sure there are more thank-yous to come, but as for now just 2 because it is already past 9 PM and that means

It’s PAST MY BED TIME

You Know You’re a Cool City Girl When…

You’re home alone, sitting on your couch, watching Say Yes to the Dress Atlanta and Crying.

AND

When the most exciting part of your day is how short the checkout line was at Safeway this evening.

What Not to Say to the Person You’re Hooking Up With

This is a scene from the movie “What’s Your Number,” but what makes it so great is that one of my dear twenty-something friends recently made a similar joke and it was not taken as well…

In the heat of the moment, while she was hooking up with a guy, his hand was on her neck and she thought it was the right comedic move to ask, “Are you trying to kill me?”

Let’s just say this guy did not respond to her little quip as well as Jake Adams does to Ana Faris’ question.

Well done, Ana. You’re just as awkward as we are and we thank you for it (though we know this is just a movie and my friend’s was real life).

How to Avoid Alcohol Amnesia

Let’s just say Saturday night was not my finest hour. I was definitely hurting on Sunday morning and as with most “days after” I vowed to NEVER drink again.

Doubtful.

I also found that I had posted an extremely sassy selfie on instagram the night before…

#yeahme…

First off, I really need to invest in an idiot proof phone lock on nights when I choose to say hello to my frenemy Tequilla or as I call him Tekillya.

ANYWAY I decided (very maturely) to keep today a sober day doing adult things like running errands and cleaning the apartment.

The apartment looks phenomenal! AND during the cleaning we decided to gather up all our used corks. Wow, so I definitely sound like an alcoholic and may I just try to defend myself for a second…Saturday was one of the VERY rare nights that I did not go to sleep at 8:00 PM sober Sally.

ANYWAY my roommate pointed out that there are little notes on a lot of the corks.

Written on the corks are what they were drinking for. Birthdays, Adventures, Plights.

I thought it was such a great way to remember what everyone was together for, why that bottle of wine was opened, and what antics you got into that night.

Or at least some of them.Image