Yes, that Jason Mantzoukas. The man whose character on the show The League literally scares the shit out of me… and before you say, “I don’t think he ‘literally’ scares the shit out of you,” shut. the. fuck. up. Because his character literally DOES. And let’s be honest, it’s not the weirdest trigger for my body’s less-than-appealing habits…
BUT if his character on The League weren’t enough to turn me off from him forever, I also believe in my heart of hearts that he is the human (or at least I think human) incarnation of Animal from the muppets.
TELL ME THAT’S NOT ACCURATE!
Despite all of this, I find myself day dreaming about the day we will someday walk down an aisle (or at least up to an Elvis) and pledge to spend our lives together doing… whatever it is he does… oh, god…
How did this come about?
A podcast! A coworker introduced me to a little show called How Did This Get Made? What exactly is How Did This Get Made? It’s a podcast that goes in depth about bad movies. If you know anything about me at all, it’s that there’s nothing I love more than bad movies (sorry Mom).
So, I’m listening to the hosts of this show chatting about different ways to die in a spa and how old is too old to be a high school student who’s boinking J.Lo, excuse me, Miss Jennifer Lopez (who according to The Boy Next Door isn’t just from the Block, but has been around it too.)
With topics such as these, you can imagine how loud I was laughing on my way to work. Luckily, I live in San Francisco and my insane laughter and hair that looks like a wig made of shredded carrots (Jason, you interested in meeting up now?), allow me to fit right in with the rest of the community.
Anyway, when the hosts of this podcast were introduced, I just couldn’t put a face to the name, Jason Mantzoukas.
For those of you who forgot, here’s the face:
Now back to our love story. At the time, I had no idea what he looked like. I was just interested in hearing how the hosts’ opinions aligned with mine. Because that’s what we’re all really listening for. No one actually wants to hear someone else’s opinion on something.
So please, before you leave some dumb comment about how degrading it is for me to compare a man to a muppet, remember that no. one. cares.
During the entirety of my first episode of How Did This Get Made (the Teen Witch episode)—a classic coming of age tale—I’m picturing Jason Mantzoukas as this heavyset guy with maybe a beard that hasn’t grown in all the way. Not attractive, but really fucking funny. Kind of like early 2000s Kevin Smith.*
*Also, I may be biased. See a former confession of love.
Okay, but back to my point: this started out as a totally platonic listening relationship.
Of course, no listening relationship can ever stay platonic, especially if the listener and speaker are of opposite sexes. We all saw what happened in the documentary, Sleepless in Seattle.
So I’m listening to a comedian who I think is a slightly obese, facial hair challenged host, and I’m like “wow, I just love his laugh.” No, like, I actually had that thought. Like, “his laugh is just so great.”
Then I start thinking about my life as a 26 year old and I have this full on REVELATION on the streets of San Francisco. Right in the Castro district. The sun breaks through the fog and these rainbow flags wave magically in the air. No, I’m not gay. My revelation is that I’m sick of 26-year-old, skinny hipster boys who compare movie stars to fish in poems and want to go on Pokemon-catching dates where we’ll find a Charmander or bubblyfit in a pile of dog shit that is probably human shit because let’s face it, we’re in San Francisco. What I want is a 35+ year old man with a jolly belly who understands “Top That” and why white men rapping in blazers should have been a lasting trend. THAT’S who I’m supposed to be with!
CUE Bridget Jones moment where I hike my granny panties up around my boobs (if I had any) because I don’t have a man to define my life!
So as soon as I get to a computer aka when I arrive in my office, I immediately google who my darling obese comedian is. And what do I find?
He is not charmingly chunky or funny and fat. He is the man who haunts my dreams after watching a show about Fantasy Football that I’m not even sure how I started watching, but is actually pretty hilarious.
Still, even after I discover that this voice of my dreams is someone I truly believed was a muppet-turned-man, I can’t stop listening to the podcast and smiling into my Stitcher app thinking, “haha! Good one Mantzoukas!” or “Minetzoukas.” Get it? ‘Cus like if we were to get married I’d get to say that cus it’s like mine + Mantzoukas…
Oh! And I got legitimately pissed when some lady called in to confess her love for him on a mini episode. I was all, “listen bitch, he’s not going to be interested in some psycho stalker girl who doesn’t even know him!” Because obviously, what he really wants is a blog post written about him on a blog that literally 9 people read. No really. The LITERAL readership of this blog is nine people. I know because they’re my friends and I make them read it.
OKAY. Enough is enough. I’m in love with Jason Mantzoukas which is totally bizarre, but he made out with Alison Brie so if I ever make out with him it’ll basically be like sucking face with Dave Franco which is a totally normal desire for a girl like me to have so it’s allllllllllll good in the hood.
Goodnight 9 readers. Thank you for reading.