To begin this story I must travel us back in time to a place where people were not truly aware of my freakish awkwardness and I could still be found somewhat desirable by the opposite sex.
Why must we travel all the way back to this faraway time?
Because in order for you, my readers, to truly understand the mortification and embarrassment I feel via my snapchat errors…then you must understand who all the characters in the story are.
So please join me in my travels back to my college days.
Character number 1 = me. Awkward. Strange. Capable of 12 hour Lord of the Rings marathons and a diet consisting of only Lean pockets and sriracha… BUT new enough to the college campus for people not to know this about me and still be crazy enough to like me.
Character number 2 = well…let’s just call him Maximilian to save his identity and to keep me from wanting to slide off the face of the earth like flubber if he ever found this blog.
Character number 3 = Max. A similar name to Maximilian. His full name may be Maximilian. Who knows? What you have to know is that I call him Max and that he is a fellow spirit like me. I’m talking a let’s paint our faces and film things spirit. I’m talking about a “I’m going to dress up as refrigerator poetry for Halloween” spirit.
Okay so facts you need to know:
1. I also used to try to play basketball aka shoot around and gather people for a round of knockout
2. Though I probably looked like a bag of mexican jumping beans while throwing a basketball haphazardly at a hoop, people may have called it “adorable.”
3. Put a little of Satan’s juice in me and I dance like a hoochie mama…
4. Maximilian happened to like basketball
5. I think Maximilian’s attractive. He is a good looking fellow.
6. I drank the devils drink and I danced with Maximilian
Maximilian’s naivety to my weird, you’ll run away if you know what’s good for you, my god she loves cats so much she’ll probably marry one characteristics, caused him to have a moment of bad judgement and ask for my number…something he’d end up regretting…
Maximilian asked me out and I, of course, chickened out because really I. Can’t. Do. Anything. You’re. Supposed. To. Do. As. A. Normal. College. Girl.
So, though we did not end up going on a date, we would occasionally nod at each other at parties OR talk for five minutes senior year when he offered to show me where the keg was. Good stuff.
So here’s what to keep in mind: He has my number in his phone.
Let’s flash forward two years.
I am snapchatting away (because if you haven’t heard snapchat is perhaps my favorite outlet for letting my freak flag fly).
And lo and behold I get added by “Max at UofR”
Now remember that I have another friend who’s name is Max (not Maximilian) and who is also a strange bird like me.
So i’m like OH YES! Max added me. Shit’s about to get weird. Shit’s about to get so weird. Like we’re gonna do some falsetto singing, onsie smirking, look how weird my feet look in this lighting snapchatting…
And that’s just what I did.
And Max never responded to me. But I thought that’s fine. Some snapchatters are more receivers than chatters. Cool.
Now we get to the good part.
I don’t know if everyone feels the same way, but I enjoy watching people’s stories. I like to see what activities people are doing throughout the day. I like to be able to watch the same shot of hot dogs cooking over and over during a 24 hour period. I like that.
So naturally, when I see that Max has posted a story I jump to it.
Oh, I think to myself, this is gonna be good.
And you know what? It was.
But not quite in the way I thought it would be. And then it turned bad. Real bad.
Because when I began watching Max’s story it was a snap of Maximilian.
Strange, I think to myself. Why would Max have a snap of Maximilian? Are they friends? Do they work together now?
And that’s when my brain starts turning and I am hit with the truth.
For the past few months I have been sending my glorious, a small child would fear these snapchats, to the wrong Max. To a Max who once thought I was a normal, cute, hoochi mama dancing girl. To a Max who was so painfully normal and adorable that I couldn’t see myself going out with him…
Thank you snapchat.
I have officially destroyed my last chance at seeming desirable.
I now must avoid any possible University of Redlands reunions in fear that I may see this poor innocent young man who was probably hoping to get sexy little shots and instead was met with double chins and weird noises.
Damn you snapchat. Damn you.