How My “Single-ness” Is Saving the World

Usually I don’t really think about my perpetual “single-ness” because I’ve just written myself off as un-datable and consider myself more of an interesting organism rather than a fellow human being; like a plant. I’m like a plant that isn’t potted so it can come with you to places.

But then, one day on the way to work, my best friend told me that I had to find someone soon because “doesn’t it feel weird for you to always be with me and my boyfriend?”

Whoa. Yeah, it does actually, but I didn’t realize this was a real issue. You mean to tell me it wasn’t totally normal for the three of us to spend valentine’s day together eating In and Out?

Mind warp!

So that’s when I decided to really step back and think about my issues.

What is it that makes me so single?

To answer this question, I decided we had to start from the beginning.

As a young lass I had perfectly normal crushes: Junior Floyd from Little Giants and Jonathan Taylor Thomas from every movie he was ever in (yes, that includes the Lion King).

I even had a preschool boyfriend. And though I wouldn’t call planning to have Dinosaur babies together “normal,” I still believe I was capable of being someone’s future girlfriend.

So, no. We can’t attribute my relationship setbacks to my early childhood.

Let’s move onto the next phase of my life.

Ah yes, the PG-13 phase. The most impressionable years of my life.

This is where everything went horribly, horribly wrong.

Even at the time, I knew my next set of crushes weren’t anything to be proud of. I did not truly appreciate how disturbing the leap in my tastes was, but something in the back of my head told me that I shouldn’t share these two new men in my life with others.

But now, for the sake of friends who really wish I would stop being that incredibly awkward, always there, please Kellen leave our house now! friend, I’ve decided to open up to the world and share my adolescent heart’s strange desires in hopes that it will explain who I am today.

Who were these men that captivated and romanced me?

1. Jim Breuer.

Yes, the quite possibly self-imposed mentally disabled Half Baked star who could continue to be stoned if he never smoked another day in his life.

The man can’t open his eyes…

Let’s also bring up the fact that I fell in love with him in the movie Half Baked in which I’m pretty sure he wore the same fanny pack and jorts (jean shorts — the baggy kind not the hip skinny ones) throughout the entire movie.

So there’s that.

Then …

2. Jay (as in from Jay and Silent Bob)

Yes, the perverted wangster who hung out in front of the convenience store in Clerks… The kid who couldn’t even deal drugs correctly and who I’m pretty sure had relations with every woman who walked by, any animal that walked by, as well as Silent Bob.

The scary thing is, even now, when I re-watch clerks my heart still feels something when I watch this dance.

So what does that say about me?

I believe that my disinterest in every other human being is due to the fact that what I’m attracted to are evidently mentally handicapped stoners who don’t know how to dress themselves.

This is self-preservation.

Imagine if I Tindered! Who would I swipe right for? What would are messages be like? And then if we actually reproduced… I could be the cause of the downfall of humanity.

So there’s your answer world. I’m doing everyone a favor by staying single. You can thank me when you see me.