Hey, Are You Single?

That was the subject line of an email that just popped into my inbox from a company called Zoosk.*

As a copywriter (with experience writing subject lines), I commend them. Questions are always a smart tactic and touching upon consumers’ pain points usually results in high open rates.

But, as a woman, NAH.

This is something I’ve been struggling with recently. I, myself, have no need (or interest) in letting someone new into my life, but the world around me seems to think it’s necessary. Every single day, I’m bombarded by messaging that suggests my life is incomplete unless I’m in a relationship.

Even my friends play into this messaging. Constantly demanding that I try out dating apps or drunkenly informing me that I am doing something wrong by not actively pursuing the D.

I have tried out some apps, but it was real hard to stay interested in anything that resulted in a twentysomething boy asking me if my parents had named me because of Helen Keller.

My name is Kellen…

Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is that I’m pretty freaking happy alone. Okay, I know this blog makes it seem otherwise, but when I’m not sending out emo vibes into the internet, I’ve got what you’d call a sunny disposition.

I’d like to also point out that I derive no greater pleasure from anything other than escaping to a quiet corner in a café to read or write by myself. 

Don’t get me wrong. I definitely love to party, but isn’t that what friends are for? And alcohol?

Of course, I understand the fact that humans are social creatures and, like, biologically I’m going to be driven to reproduce (how terrible is that word? Biology really freaks me out. Example A: the pregnancy belly button??? NO THANK YOU! I already have an unnatural fear of regular belly buttons, and I do not need mine to pop. Ever. Just one of my many quirky fears.)

But yes, I suppose I’ll someday want to grace this world with little mini me’s, because it’s my civic duty to introduce more amazing beings into the world, right? Haha. #Narcissism. 

But then again, even if I did find someone who got that libido shimmying, I’d lose interest the moment things started working out. There’s just something unhinged about a guy who’d enjoy watching twelve hour marathons of Lord of the Rings (extended edition, of course), would understand that pooping is a big part of my life, help me when I puke and turn into a zombie at music festivals, and let me listen to loud Irish bagpipes whenever I was trying to get pumped… 

And honestly, if you can still want to do the nasty after witnessing me like this, you’ve got some real issues.

So here’s my open letter to the world around me: let’s reclaim the word “spinster!” I’m ready to own the fact that I’m a crazy cat lady at the age of 26. (Sorry, mom).

Zoosk, to answer your question, Hellz yeah I’m single AF!!

*Did I sign up for Zoosk? I do not remember asking to be part of their flirting network. If I did, we can all disregard this post.


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