An Open Letter to Creepy Middleaged Men Riding Muni

Today’s post (for once) is not about how I’m a freak, but rather the breed of freak that is middleaged men riding muni who think it’s totally socially acceptable to creep on little foreign girls…


Of Course, I don’t believe all middleaged men are super freaks. I assume there are some out there who are just fine. I mean, my dad’s a pretty cool guy. He has a mustache and though he does sit in the garage listening to ocean sounds rather than driving to the beach (a ten minute drive from the house) he’s pretty normal. Well, in dad standards anyway – I have a theory that once guys become dads they just get super weird because they don’t know what else to do.

But, for those of you middleaged men who ride muni and decide it’s, like, the optimal time to live out your teenage fantasies, NOPE. You’re wrong. No one wants it.

Harsh? I think not.

Here’s what you need to know:

1. This girl, in her early twenties, is not going to swoon over your cargo shorts and receding hairline. You want to know where that happens? Hollywood. You want to know why? Those guys are MOVIE STARS with a lot of cash and the promise of a sweet lifestyle.

Not some house in the outer Sunset and stories of the glory days you spent at Stanford.

2. Just because she doesn’t speak English very well does NOT mean she doesn’t understand that you’re trying to, like, kidnap her or some shit.

She does not want to tell you her name. She does not want to tell you where she’s going. She does not want to tell you where she lives / is catching the bus from. 

She wants to sit in her seat without you leaning over into her space and stare out the window pretending you and your “super cool” necklace don’t exist.

3. On the same note of her not speaking English very well, she does not care that you took a semester of Chinese and can say “I love you” in Cantonese. Honestly, you sound like a dick. 

4. I don’t get the whole fascination with Asian girls (maybe because I am one) but, like, if you’re into it because she seems so meek and shy, I’ve got some news for you. The reason she’s not talking to you is because she. does. not. want. to. She doesn’t know you!

Seriously, I really want to know what you think you’re going to get out of this. Do you really believe that this young woman is going to be so charmed by your ability to still smoke weed at age 50 that she’ll say, “yes, please accompany me when I get off the bus. I think we could really have something here”?

You can’t possibly think that! There’s no way that you can honestly believe that this young woman is attracted to your wrinkled skin, TEVAS, and graying hair. No.

So, why don’t you do us all a favor and keep us from choking down vomit while commuting? Sit silently in your own space or read a damn book or something. Leave these poor young women alone.