This post is for a friend Ariana whose birthday it is and who loves to hear about how embarrassing I am.
I suppose it was to be expected… There was no way I was going to make it through my high school friend’s wedding weekend totally unscathed, especially since I would be living with thirteen other of my high school friends.
It all started on the drive down. See, I’d learned a simple trick from a college friend of mine: When you go on a road trip, take an adderall. That way, not only are you awake for the drive, but every mountain you pass, song you play, and conversation you have seems, like, super meaningful.
So that’s just what my road buddy and I did. And boy, did that little addy do the trick. We bonded over some great tunes, caught up on our love lives (hers dramatic, mine non-existent), and read each other some poetry we’d written… yeah, things got deep and you wish you’d been there.
Anyway, when we arrived at the house, we were dehydrated, excited, and should have taken a nap. Instead, she did some facetiming and I tried in vain to send an email into work.
Over the course of a few hours, the other members of this house of debauchery began to show up and the nap and hydration flitted off into the non-existence of good decisions.
I did make one good decision though. When a group of friends went off to purchase more beer from the grocery store, I requested a bottle of pedialyte.
I’m not quite sure what caused the drunk, and believe me, this was the real drunk. The demon-eyed, probably would have slept like a zombie in public if I hadn’t been under constant supervision drunk. I’m guessing it had something to do with the complete lack of sleep, total dehydration, and excitement for my pal to tie the knot.
But it’s probably just due to the copious amounts of alcohol I somehow thought it was appropriate to imbibe.
Here are things that I am told occurred:
- I asked my best friend and her boyfriend to be joint maid of honors at my wedding.
- Ate a full meal.
- Demanded a second full meal because I was convinced I had never eaten a first one.
- Became extremely insecure and had to have a friend tell me I was beautiful
After that wonderful list of occurrences, I suppose I thought it was time to straighten up my act. So of course, I found my pedialyte. To understand the true hot mess status of this evening, you must witness for yourself, my love affair with this pedialyte bottle.
The good news? After throwing up and lying on my bed with my eyes closed (no, not sleeping. Just lying there.) I felt good enough to get up, put on an eagle mask, and play some foosball. So all in all, I’d say it was a success.