Hey, Are You Single?

That was the subject line of an email that just popped into my inbox from a company called Zoosk.*

As a copywriter (with experience writing subject lines), I commend them. Questions are always a smart tactic and touching upon consumers’ pain points usually results in high open rates.

But, as a woman, NAH.

This is something I’ve been struggling with recently. I, myself, have no need (or interest) in letting someone new into my life, but the world around me seems to think it’s necessary. Every single day, I’m bombarded by messaging that suggests my life is incomplete unless I’m in a relationship.

Even my friends play into this messaging. Constantly demanding that I try out dating apps or drunkenly informing me that I am doing something wrong by not actively pursuing the D.

I have tried out some apps, but it was real hard to stay interested in anything that resulted in a twentysomething boy asking me if my parents had named me because of Helen Keller.

My name is Kellen…

Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is that I’m pretty freaking happy alone. Okay, I know this blog makes it seem otherwise, but when I’m not sending out emo vibes into the internet, I’ve got what you’d call a sunny disposition.

I’d like to also point out that I derive no greater pleasure from anything other than escaping to a quiet corner in a café to read or write by myself. 

Don’t get me wrong. I definitely love to party, but isn’t that what friends are for? And alcohol?

Of course, I understand the fact that humans are social creatures and, like, biologically I’m going to be driven to reproduce (how terrible is that word? Biology really freaks me out. Example A: the pregnancy belly button??? NO THANK YOU! I already have an unnatural fear of regular belly buttons, and I do not need mine to pop. Ever. Just one of my many quirky fears.)

But yes, I suppose I’ll someday want to grace this world with little mini me’s, because it’s my civic duty to introduce more amazing beings into the world, right? Haha. #Narcissism. 

But then again, even if I did find someone who got that libido shimmying, I’d lose interest the moment things started working out. There’s just something unhinged about a guy who’d enjoy watching twelve hour marathons of Lord of the Rings (extended edition, of course), would understand that pooping is a big part of my life, help me when I puke and turn into a zombie at music festivals, and let me listen to loud Irish bagpipes whenever I was trying to get pumped… 

And honestly, if you can still want to do the nasty after witnessing me like this, you’ve got some real issues.

So here’s my open letter to the world around me: let’s reclaim the word “spinster!” I’m ready to own the fact that I’m a crazy cat lady at the age of 26. (Sorry, mom).

Zoosk, to answer your question, Hellz yeah I’m single AF!!

*Did I sign up for Zoosk? I do not remember asking to be part of their flirting network. If I did, we can all disregard this post.

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How I Found Love on the Streets of San Francisco (and Why Facebook Should Take Notice)

So here’s something new.

Facebook now gives me little notifications to let me know when my friends get engaged.

Why am writing a post about this?

Well, let me tell you why.

I am writing about this new feature because it actually brings a little comic relief to my life. During my social networking I am now able to see all of the people who are progressing in their relationships. People who have found love – or whatever it is that makes people want to get married.

How is this comical?

It’s comical because I am SO, so so so so so (I can’t even say ‘so’ enough times in this post) far from anything even close to an engagement.

It’s comical because, since moving to the city, I have been hit on a total of 5 times and 4 of those 5 times have been by homeless men.

For your (and my) entertainment let’s go through them.

1. Trash to Treasure

As I walk from my house through the Panhandle I hear a loud, manly yell.

“Hey! I like what you’re wearing! YOU LOOK GOOD.”

I, in turn, smile but just keep walking since I have no interest in someone who cat calls at me. I then am hit with the angry shout of,

“I SAID HELLO! SHE DON’T EVEN TURN AROUND.”

Ah, yes. This is when I realize that the gentleman who has been admiring me is none other than the homeless man I saw a while back. As I turn to look I see that he has already forgotten me and gone back to digging through the trash bin.

I guess my beauty is fleeting.

2. Aryan Ask-out

As I head home from the bus stop and walk past a liquor store on Haight street, a young neo-natzi spots me and the sharp black tattoos across his face twist as he grins.

“Hey!” he says as he moves closer, “Wanna kick it?”

As difficult as it is for me to refuse such an eloquent line, I somehow manage to rush past without looking at him.

3. Drake Debonair

On my way to work there is a man who sits on Market street. As I walk by he grins with mostly gums and says “absolutely beautiful!”

If he can think I’m absolutely beautiful when I’m chillin’ with no makeup on, then I MUST be gorgeous right?

…right?

4. Bus Beau

And finally, the most recent of these times:

I am on the bus with a visiting friend and her friend from school. I let them sit next to each other and I sit across from them facing the back of the bus. A tall gentleman, skinny and obviously unhealthy staggers onto the bus. He mumbles to himself as he makes his way to the back of the bus and slams his body unsteadily onto a seat.

He then precedes to talk to himself about a variety of different things and the conversation seems to be going very well until one of his selves notices that he is on a bus.

“Is this bus going to Haight?!” he cries melodramatically.

The boy beside him nods.

“Good! That’s where I got to go.”

He then goes back to the discussion he was having with himself.

During this time I am talking to my friends about dancing and places to go in the city. I jokingly do a couple fist bumps to explain the kinds of dancing at certain places.

This grabs the man’s attention and informs himself “did you see that? She’s dancing! Having a good time!”

I then realize that I’m going to have to tone things down and become extremely interested in what’s happening outside.

“Are we at Haight?” he asks and I continue to observe the road outside the bus’ window.

He asks again and I can tell he’s looking right at me and wishing that I’d answer him. When I don’t he mumbles “beautiful.” Then, when I don’t respond, “YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL.”

I am still not turning to look at him so he says a couple things to himself, takes out a tearing wallet, puts it back in his pocket then leans forward to my friends.

“I don’t think she can hear me,” he tells them, “but you gotta tell your friend I think she’s beautiful. Actually, I guess I can tell her when I get off the bus.”

Sure enough, as he exited the vehicle he stopped in front of me and with a slurred smile said, “I just gotta say. You’re a beautiful girl.”

Thanks.

Consider my self-esteem lifted.

So thank you, Facebook. While I fend off my homeless suitors and search for a somewhat sane beau, you show me all my acquaintances who have found true love – or at least someone they like enough to do the deed with over and over again.

Super cool. Maybe I’ll develop an app that I can click to share the amount of times someone rolls over on the street and thinks I’m pretty.

What do you think about that Facebook? Eh? Next trillion dollar idea!