Month: December 2014

This is What I Fear the Most From Shared Bathrooms

Hello folks!

Today I want to talk about something that happens to the best of us but that NONE of us ever want to talk about.

It’s one of the worst parts about being a human and the act of it fills us with such shame that we dare not show our faces again to anyone who may have witnessed it.

Yes. You guessed it.

Today I want to talk about farting while you’re peeing in a public restroom.

Like, how the higgedy-heck are you supposed to play that one off?

It is just the absolute worst! (Yes, I do believe it’s worse than dropping a deuce).

Let me explain why:

When you go into the bathroom knowing that you’re gonna drop a load, you can prepare yourself—get the right timing down so that you’re sure to be alone in the facilities. Plus, you’re already comfortable with the fact that this is not going to be pretty.

Now, on the other hand, thinking you’re going to be doing the most innocent of bathroom activities and suddenly letting out an agressive ‘toot’ is completely mortifying! You’re totally caught by surprise and there’s no way to cover up the fact that an animal sound just escaped from your behind.

Then, if you’re anything like me, you’ll notice how abnormally quiet the person (because there’s ALWAYS a person considering you didn’t think you had to time this bathroom trip strategically) in the other stall is. So, then you start replaying the moment in your mind and the sound of that released gas just gets louder and louder every. single. time. you recall it.

So then you’re sitting on the toilet hoping to god that the other person will finish up whatever they’re doing and wash their hands and leave so that you can make your stealthy escape and none will be the wiser. The only problem here is that the other person is hoping that you’ll do the same thing.

So you’re both left sitting silently on toilets at opposite ends of the restroom and suddenly you’re totally aware that your breathing is, like, super loud and that makes you think about how loud your fart was all over again.

And you start thinking about your fart and the fact that you’re now silently waiting each other out and you start to realize how funny it all is. So then you accidentally let out something of a chortle which may or may not be worse than the fart. And then everything is even more awkward because the person in the other stall is now wondering what type of person you are laughing all alone in a bathroom stall…

Finally, one of you has to break the waiting game and you pray to god that you don’t both decide to give it up at the same time.

It’s total and complete agony!

Unless, of course, you’re nothing like me and tooting while you pee is not something you practically need a xanax for.

In which case, all the power to you! Pee fart all you need to!

Serial about Serial (Why This Podcast is Destroying My Life)

I’m obsessed with Sarah Koenig’s podcast Serial.

Now, you’re probably thinking, “Cool, Kellen. Only you and basically every. other. person. in this country…”

And you’re right. I’m not alone in my total infatuation with this case and the verdict that was determined on hear-say alone without any concrete evidence. But, I’m going to talk about it anyway because this is my blog and you have to deal with it.

Here’s what I have to say:

  • I’m having like totally intense inner turmoil

So it’s, like, sick that we’ve turned this real life murder case into a narrative with a storyline and everything, right?

Adnan and Jay? They’re characters in a mystery novel! There are even advertisements during the podcast that say, “if you like this, you’ll probably enjoy these crime novels by so-and-so.”

And I hear those ads and think, Whoa… that’s sick. That’s really sick!

But then I’m like, buuuuuuuut, when am I going to buy those books…?

So, then I start freaking out and wondering if I’m basically one of those people who lives in the Capitol in The Hunger Games. Is this really what it’s come to? Am I so desperate for entertainment that I’m ready to watch (or listen to) death?!

[We all know that I already have mixed opinions about the serum they (the inhabitants of the Capitol) use to keep eating after they’re stuffed. YOU CAN’T TELL ME YOU HAVEN’T THOUGHT ABOUT THE BENEFITS OF THAT!]

Truthfully, at this point, I’m not sure what’s worse, me watching Keeping up the Kardashians or listening to and forming conspiracy theories about a convicted murderer and his “smoking buddy”.

  • I’ve created a love story (as have apparently millions of other listeners but let’s pretend that I’m creative here)

Speaking of that conspiracy theories, I have created some real Romeo and Rome-ette shit in my brain while listening to this story.

I guess I’m just a romantic at heart…

But really, as I binge listened to this podcast on my way from Desert Hot Springs to good ol’ SF, I couldn’t help but feel there was a romance that we were missing in this storyline. Adnan never accuses Jay of committing the murder. Even after Jay “rats” him out!

Why wouldn’t you immediately blame that person??? ESPECIALLY if you were only “smoking buddies”. And let’s think about this for a second, does that random guy you cruise with to smoke a blunt or two really pick you up and drop you off regularly from track practice?

No.

They have to be much closer than they both would like to admit.

So, duh. LOVE. Jay loves Adnan. Dare I say he was obsessed with him? Oh, it’s terribly tragic and romantic and maybe I’ve just been reading too much Dostoyevski, but COME ON. There is some serious unrequited love happening under the radar here.

This theory was burned into my mind during my 12-hour drive home to the city though some it might have been due to the fact that I hadn’t seen anything besides the inside of a car for half of a day. The craziest thing about my thought process here? I thought I was the only person to think it.

So then I started frantically trying to tweet @Serial and Sarah Koenig because she HAD to know this theory! It could solve the case. I had cracked it!

A thwarted love. A love that could never exist because of society and religion! Oh, Sarah you must know about this at once! BUT I was, of course, in the middle of butt-f*ck nowhere and there was no cell service. So I practically pulled my hair out, checking my phone over and over trying to find a bar or two so I could let the rest of the world know the truth…

It was really rough.

  • I hate Josh

Okay, so I also have to confess that this podcast has caused me to become a lunatic who hates a complete stranger named Josh.

Once we had burned through all nine available episodes of Serial on the drive home, we (my driving buddies and I) decided that we would listen to Serial Serial (or some title like that), a podcast in which staff members of The Onion discuss what they thought of each episode.

So, we’re listening and this guy Josh starts talking. F*ckin Josh. I am NOT a fan of Josh.

Now, Josh could be a totally decent fellow, but while I listen to him offer up his opinion of the case, I start getting really, really upset. You might even say heated.

See, first off, Josh starts lecturing both the people in the room with him as well as all of the listeners that the ONLY way this murder could have been committed is if the two boys did it together.

And I’m (and my other two friends in the car) are like… um HELLO, Josh! Don’t you think that after Adnan was sentenced to life in prison he would say that Jay had helped him?? Or if he was holding on to the possibility of being let out later, wouldn’t he have at least mentioned the theory that Jay did it on his own? Come on, Josh. Put your shit together.

He (Josh) then went on to talk about his personal experience on Jury duty. He explains that out of the twelve people on jury duty, the opinions were split six and six. He refers to one of the opposing six as an “asshole”.

His reasoning behind using this potty-mouth identifier?  Because this other gentleman didn’t want to change his opinion…

And I’m like, HOLD UP THERE, JOSH. Who’s really the asshole here? The guy who is sticking to his opinion or the guy who is sticking to his opinion and calling someone else an asshole for doing the same thing.

F*ckin’ Josh.

  • It’s interfering with my free time

Want to know what I did yesterday during my lunch break?

Did I relax, eat, socialize?

Nope. I went down the deepest, darkest rabbit hole reading post after post of theories about who the real murderer is – of course the only reasonable answer being Sarah Koenig herself.

I had to put eyedrops in my eyes because I am pretty sure I hadn’t blinked for a full 45 minutes!

So you can see what I’m saying. Serial has started affecting my life in unhealthy ways. I am losing faith in my inner voice, narrating a secret love affair in my mind, and getting horribly offended by complete strangers who are entitled to their own opinions (though, Josh, you really are a little shit.)

I just shouldn’t listen to this podcast anymore.

I won’t.

I won’t.

That’s what I keep telling myself.

But we all know what day tomorrow is…